I don’t know how to explain this properly or eloquently so I’m sorry if this entry stops making sense, oh about five lines from now. Love is a difficult thing to write about and explain properly as it differs from person to person. This world is built on those four letters: l-o-v-e. There are many different kinds such as the feelings you have for family and friends, for a certain, special someone and then there is the love you have for yourself. Each one encompasses different emotions and feelings but they are all labeled with the same word: LOVE.
Now I know everyone’s reaction to this word varies and can be complex sometimes. Some people crave for the right person to whisper this word into their earlobe as they’re bodies are intertwined. Others see it as a normality for their partner and friends to keep reminding them of how special they are to them. And some squirm back into their shell before getting too close to someone, pull their hood over their head and run scared for the furthest mountain. Everyone has their own reaction to this complex, sometimes frustrating, sometimes joyous experience.
What I’m trying to figure out is how on one hand you can want to feel this passionate, breath-taking, heart-wrenching, skin tingling sensation, how you can dream up the most romantic scenarios and fall asleep wishing for this significant other to find you. And yet, run into hiding when at the mere thought of this closeness. Just thinking about holding hands with a guy and calling this person my ‘boyfriend’ has me shaking my head in fear. To my core, I honestly feel over-whelmed at the thought and know that I prefer being solo for a while longer. I have been working intensely on the unique love that I have for myself and slowly but surely I’m getting there. But thinking about opening up to someone else, sharing intimate moments with them, is too much.
I deeply believe that one day I want to experience the most perfect of fairy-tales and simply be swept of my feet in euphoria but that time is not now. That time must wait as I quiver at the thought of any of these feelings momentarily. They scare me and I’m not afraid to admit it. However, I do wonder when I will be ready or when I will know that the time is right. I guess it will all depend on the right person stepping into my life and me braving creeping out from underneath my hood and shaking that fear. But for now, let me run scared a while more…
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